Not sobriety. AA. I’m an AA drop-out.
It was going well for me, though I’ve always had my annoyances with it. The cliches, the cult factor, the condescending tone in a lot of the members’ voices. But still, the program has turned so many lives around, including my own. I’m forever grateful for the opportunity to sit in the rooms and hear others telling me that it’s all gonna be ok.
So what happened? Steps 8 and 9. Or really, they didn’t happen. My sponsor’s side of the story is that I am unwilling to go to any lengths for my sobriety. My side of the story is that I’m a new person, and I’m done dwelling on the past. I have no one to put on my list of persons I’ve harmed that I’m willing to make amends to. No, seriously. I have no one.
I’m making living amends daily to my husband, kids, friends, and family. I’m working hard on being present in people’s lives and watching my motives. I’m being as honest as I can be. I’m praying daily, morning and night. I feel at peace the vast majority of the time (unless my kids/husband are driving me nuts, but even then, I realize it will pass.) I sincerely don’t feel there is any obstacle at this point between me and maintaining my sobriety, as long as I keep God first and realize it’s all my Higher Power that’s doing this.
I understand my part in my past effed up relationships, and I’m working on not repeating them. I don’t necessarily feel guilt or shame about them, though. I just feel like I did the best I could at the time, and now that I know better, I do better.
I knew my “unwillingness” would sever the sponsor/sponsee relationship, and it did. We’re still friends and I attended a meeting this past week to watch her pick up her 9 year chip, but that’s the only meeting I’ve attended in over a month and the only one I plan on attending at this point. I’ve promised myself and my husband that I’m willing to return to the rooms if need be, but at this point, I’m pretty disappointed in the inflexibility of it all and I’m staying sober with the help of God, my people, and online support.
One more week and I’ll have 11 whole months!!!